Be the Change

Over the last couple of weeks, things have begun to change. I have been here for almost eight weeks now. All of the excitement of brand new things has worn off, and the “honeymoon” phase has come to a close. The things I see and experience have become the norm, and the house in which I live has become home. The crazy idea of squishing myself between sweaty bodies while hanging out the back of a sketchy bus, has become nothing more than my daily routine. So many feelings are beginning to wear off, but one thing remains the same: the hand of God is STILL so obviously present.

Wednesday, the SI staff took a day off from the sites and had a mini retreat. We spent the morning spending individual time, one on one, with God. It was so nice to be away from everything – technology, noise, distractions, and even people... Alone, with only my Bible in hand. As my time here is flying by, I have been trying to evaluate what my purpose is. Already, so much time has passed. Am I accomplishing the things I wanted to accomplish? Is God’s work being fulfilled in me and through me? If today was my last day here, what things would I regret not doing? I want to make the most of my time here, but there is too much to do, and I do not feel qualified. 

In our staff Bible study, we have been going through the book Leading on Empty by Wayne Cordeiro. As I was reading during this time, a couple of the chapters really hit home. “If I only had one month to live, I would be so surprised at all of the things that didn’t matter anymore.” Our minds become so easily entangled in things of this world that have no eternal value. The book describes it like this – 85% of what you do, anyone can do (Email, meetings, phone calls, etc.), 10% of what you do could be done by someone with training (your profession), but 5% of what you do, ONLY YOU CAN DO. We must focus on that 5%. The next question is… What is that 5%? It is different for each person. Your relationship with God, the way you love and invest time with your family, a God-pleasing ministry, or focusing on your physical health. “It is this crucial five percent that God will one day hold you accountable for.”

I began to seek out answers. I may not be able to speak much Spanish, I may feel useless sometimes, I may be completely exhausted some mornings and not want to get out of bed… But God has placed me here for such a time as this. There is a purpose, and God has begun to reveal my 5%. He has shown me that there is something here, that only I can do. There is something needed within my host home, within microfinance, and within my relationships here that only I can bring, and that is where my focus needs to be. 

I was quickly reminded of my tattoo I got about six months ago: “Be the Change”. Living in a third world country… a place filled with physical, emotional, and spiritual poverty…I am being exposed to extreme social injustice every single day. Twelve and thirteen year old mothers… young girls who no longer want to live because their grandmothers are encouraging and pushing them to sell their bodies to strangers… What am I doing here? What do I, a “gringa” who can barely even speak Spanish, think I can bring into these situations of intense pain and brokenness? Honestly, I do not know. I cannot answer that question. But this is what I do know - I know a Savior with a love that covers a multitude of sins. I know the way to unexplainable healing and peace. I know how to pray for people. I know how to hold a child who has not seen her mother for weeks because of prostitution. I know how to embrace a weeping thirteen year old girl, as she is unsure how to care for her child. I know how to have joy because of Jesus. I know how to laugh until tears… And I know that God is changing my life. I am here for a reason.

“We will not be held accountable for HOW MUCH we have done, but for HOW MUCH He has asked us to do.”

It is not about the list… it is not a tally sheet where I am able to mark off each thing that I have done. No. It is waking up each day, asking God to use me. It is somehow, finding deep within me, the strength to say, “I surrender everything! Use me HOWEVER you please!” It is allowing Him to have His way in my life, and hold nothing back, and that is all that I am responsible for. It is not easy… Some days, I am completely there, and other days I could not be farther away… it is a process... but it is so so worth it!

Some pictures from this last week: